Relationship: The art and practice

Relationship. Unusual dog and cat pairing.Managing your relationship with others is the fourth pillar of Emotional Intelligence or EI.

Do we really need other people?

“No person is an island, entire of itself; every person is a piece of the continent.”

John Donne said this. I have changed the quote a little for reasons of gender correctness because the 16th and 17th century world of John Donne was markedly different too our enlightened utopia. That aside, the basic truth of his statement is unaltered.

The answer to the question is a definite yes. We need other people. Even if we don’t like them we do need them.

You need to build solid and effective relationships with other people in all areas of your life and work. All of us need to develop strong personal and professional networks. We also need to be able to operate effectively as key elements in the networks of others.

When the first three pillars of emotional intelligence are firmly in place we can then begin to create and successfully manage such relationships and networks.

Our friendships, family connections and working relationships can define us. Modern life is nigh on impossible without them. Even if it were possible to live entirely alone and isolated, for myself at least, it would be a miserable and pointless life.

What defines a relationship?

We can most usefully talk about the word relationship here as either the way in which two or more people are connected, or the way in which two or more people or groups think about, feel about, interact with and behave toward each other. The first part of the two-part statement above defines a relationship’s connection component and the second part speaks to the quality or nature of the relationship.

For example, a residential landlord may be said to be in a relationship with a tenant due to the fact one rents the other a dwelling; this is a straightforward relationship description based on connection. You might also describe the situation by saying the landlord and tenant have an uneasy relationship; because the tenant is always waiting until the very last minute to pay their rent. This speaks more to the quality aspect of the relationship. A low-quality one in this example. Relationships can fall anywhere on a spectrum running from strong to weak.

You will have a huge number of relationships in your life. Some you will be aware of and actively managing and some you may be aware of but have no interest in managing.  There may well be some you are aware of but have no ability or opportunity to manage and yet more of which you are simply unaware of at any level.

So how does knowing this help?

This whole series has been about emotional intelligence in the real world and has focused on developing and using EI as a leader or manager. Being an effective leader or manager is all about building solid sustainable relationships with other people, groups and organisations.

This is where the magic happens. Knowledge as they say is power.

As you will have been working on your emotional intelligence, you will be more self-aware and better able to regulate yourself. Also, you will have a better understanding about what makes other people tick. Now, you are ready to look at your relationship with the world in general and more specifically other people.

You can now begin to consciously and intentionally identify, investigate and then classify the relationships in your life. This will then allow you to redefine them if necessary or build upon them in new, interesting and beneficial ways.

Relationship connection comes first

The connection comes first, and you have a surprising amount of control over who you connect with and which groups you associate yourself with.

You may not be able to choose your family and relations, but you can choose your own friends. Up to a practical financial and skill-based limit, you can choose where you work and often, who you associate with within that working environment.

You can choose who you wish to approach to initiate a potential new relationship and you can refuse some or all such approaches to you if you so desire.

Bear this in mind because it is important; you always have choices.

With no connection there cannot be a practical personal or business relationship.

Relationship quality follows close behind

If a relationship exists at all then it follows that the relationship has some sort of inherent quality which defines that relationship. This inherent quality can also determine the stability and durability of the relationship. Any inherent qualities can be both positive and negative and can be symmetrical or asymmetrical within any relationship. Some qualities can overpower others and take control of or even destroy a relationship if not managed and controlled.

For example, in a marriage, if one partner deeply mistrusts the other, this can lead to paranoia and stress. The untrusted partner can become so upset with the suspicious atmosphere they seek external comfort and misbehave. They likely would not have misbehaved at all in a trusting environment. If this happens the mistrusting partner sees it as validation of their mistrust and it has in fact become a self-fulfilling prophesy. This is obviously not a high-quality relationship. Even if both parties split up and found other partners, they may inadvertently repeat the same negative behaviour with similar outcomes.

Any business or professional relationship can be impacted the same way. There can be high-quality and low-quality interactions.

Whilst you had quite a bit of control over the relationship connection, you can only ever have full control over one half of the relationship quality; your own half. This means you can always choose how you behave and respond, but you have no direct control over how the other party reciprocates. You can of course try to influence the other party or group but, if the situation is extremely bad the best thing to do may be to break the connection entirely and end the relationship.

Managing a relationship is a deliberate & conscious creative act

One of the key things with managing relationships is that word managing. You need to manage them. You need to manage the connections you make then you need to manage your contribution the quality of that relationship.

This management does not happen magically. Situations rarely fix themselves spontaneously.

The successful and effective management of a relationship really is a deliberate and conscious act. Ideally this happens on both sides of the relationship; these generally prove to be the better relationships overall.

Communication, compromise, respect, trust, understanding, listening, compassion, etc… are all key elements of positive healthy relationships. You need to be constantly checking and monitoring to ensure these elements are front and centre. If they are missing or disappearing, then some action will need to be taken. You will need to take charge and manage.

Bear in mind, you may be the party causing the issues. Manage yourself. Sort it out or break it off.

I also used the word creative here. Creativity is an important component in the management of any relationship. When things which have worked in the past stop working then you need to get creative. Try something new. If it fails, try something else. Use your judgement here and don’t end up flogging a dead horse. Tenacity is a good trait, but stubbornness is not so good.

Relationships are not good when either party is too passive or too aggressive. Balance works best.

Is the EI puzzle complete now?

The four pillars have now been covered in this article series, but your work has only just begun. Like the game of chess, the rules can be straightforward enough, but it can take at least one lifetime to get good at the game.

You are hopefully more aware of emotional intelligence as both a concept and a practical learnable skill. I recommend making it a priority in your life. Firstly, seek your own balance across the four EI pillars. Then seek to raise your skill level in all the EI pillars equally and to as high a point as you can.

Life is not meant to be a spectator sport. Get involved in your own life and enjoy it to the max. If you are not in control of your life, then someone else will be. Trust me, controlling it yourself is far better.

What next?

I hope you have enjoyed this article. If you have, please subscribe to either the blog or my newsletter to ensure you hear about subsequent articles and other useful and informative material.

In the meantime, you might also like to check out:

Emotional Intelligence in the real world

Self-awareness and how to develop it

Self-regulation and its importance to you

Understanding others and how to do it

Culture of dishonesty can poison an organisation

Computer error or a demonstration of rotten organisational culture?Mistakes,  lack of ownership & faulty organisational culture

Am I being too precious or thinking too deeply about this rotten culture thing?

Is it me being paranoid again? It can’t just be me can it?

Please let me know what you think.

The inciting event

My wife and I were in our local branch of our building society, I won’t bother naming them but they are a big outfit here in Wales, and encountered an intriguing incident.

It is not even the event itself which is of interest/concern/annoyance to me but the underlying systemic issues it points to.

Our teller was so busy trying to up-sell/push various financial items to us – none of which we wanted – that she messed up the cheque we were supposed to get and instead printed the passbook update all over the cheque.

Here is the cause for concern. It was fairly obvious that she had messed this sequence up. I make mistakes all the time. Everyone does. If she had taken responsibility and fessed up I would have happily accepted it and let her make the necessary corrections.  We all make mistakes and nobody is perfect. Least of all me .

Here’s the thing. Instead of fessing up she straight away said the computer had made a mistake and that it had never done this before. The computer department would have to be informed. Really? It was the dishonest excuses and buck passing which really took the jam out of my doughnut. Is this an organisational culture thing here – I think it might well be.

The deeper issues

Here are the problems as I see them:


She assumed her customer was ignorant to the extent they might not be aware that she was using a dumb terminal and, as no one else was having any problems, it must have been her error. This excuse might have worked back in the 80’s but not now.

This shows a serious lack of understanding of her customers and/or a complete disregard for them.


She believes there really is a terminal issue which indicates a severe lack of training in this branch at least.


There is a strong blame culture within the organisation and admitting an error will lead to a reprimand rather than a learning experience. There is therefore no impetus or encouragement to do the right thing and be honest with customers.


Too busy up-selling (perhaps for commission) rather than paying attention to and tackling the job at hand in the best way possible.


The whole financially based organisational culture is as rotten as every other financial institution and cares not a jot for its customers.

My belief and the possible solution

I suspect a mixture of all these and perhaps a few others as well.

The solution would be a top-down examination of organisational culture with the emphasis on installing and improving the  levels of emotional intelligence in both the organisation, leaders, managers and all employees.

They are a business which relies on people so start treating people as thinking feeling creatures rather than simple numbers and annoying interruptions to their busy working day.

If it is just me overreacting please let me know. I believe it all points to a more sinister reason. I believe there is a fundamental total and systemic lack of genuine customer care in many modern financial organisations. It can be fixed but only if they choose to fix it themselves or are forced to fix it by us.

Understanding others and how to do it

Understanding others - students talking and interacting

Understanding others is the third pillar of EI

Understanding other people is the third pillar of emotional intelligence. I’ll say it right from the start and make no mistake here, other people are incredibly different from you. Your job is discovering and understanding just how different they really are.

Everyone else is just like me, aren’t they?

Wrong! Understanding others using this statement as a starting point will leave you confused and struggling to get on with others. Again, everyone else is not just like you.

How do they think, behave and feel differently? In what ways are they different from you and me? How are you and I different? Are there any similarities at all?

When you get down to it, other people can be confusing and strange. It can be hard enough to try and figure out what makes us tick. Once other people get involved in any part of our lives and work, it can get very messy and complicated. Life would be technically easier without other people, but it would be a lonely and essentially pointless existence. We need other people and generally we like other people, so it makes sense to try and understand as much as possible.

The big problem is that everyone is as unique in their way as you are in yours.

How do people differ?

How long is a piece of string? I’m afraid I can’t offer a better answer than this.

Think of any one attribute you may possess. Do you perhaps believe you have a well-developed sense of humour? Well, now consider all the people you may already know. If you had to place them on a scale running from “no sense of humour at all” to “funniest person on Earth” where might they be placed. Where would you fit? Now imagine all the people on Earth placed on this line. If the line was long enough everyone would find a place to stand. Because we cannot realistically do this we tend to lump people together into sub-categories of our own design. You might see yourself in the very funny category and see someone else you know as being in the totally unfunny category. However, someone else might place you in a category of their choosing such as idiotic clown or buffoon perhaps. It’s all very subjective.

Psychologists, sociologists and many other “ologists” have tried to make more scientifically rigorous and objective categories and classifications. They have done this to improve everyone’s understanding but their terms can often cause more confusion than ever for everyday folks. These terms can of course be very useful to create a scientific lingua franca or common-language for differentiating people, but you will find many of these to be equally as subjective in the real world.

How can you get the knowledge you need?

Do you really have to know everything about everyone?

The good news is, although each one of us is truly unique, we can also be usefully categorised and bundled in quite general ways. For example, a classic and well-used distinction is that of psychologically introverted people versus psychologically extroverted people. People can all be usefully placed at some point on the spectrum between introvert and extrovert. Such information can be used to inform the style and even content of your interactions with them as well as their interaction styles with others.

These broad-brush definitions, classifications and spectra are not truly accurate, but they are incredibly useful ways to inform our own thoughts about and behaviour toward the other people we interact with. They could be said to be intentional and well-meant stereotypes. They represent a good starting point for quickly developing a mutually beneficial relationship.

With a little study and practice you can become very adept at recognising where other people lie on these broad category spectra. At this point you can then begin to adapt your communication and behaviour styles to get the best from any encounter with them. You can also begin to analyse interactions they have with others. Achieving this level of skill and adaptability will put you in a great position as a manager or leader.

Initial sources for understanding others

As a minimum, I recommend you read as many books as practicable on the subject. Read widely and read both fiction and non-fiction. Perhaps do some courses. Study psychometric instruments of various kinds. Get a mentor. Watch educational videos. Listen to audios. Watch movies and root out the motivations and communication styles of the characters. Learn the “ologists” classification language if it helps.

Subscribe to podcasts, newsletters, social media communities and any other source of information which will help you get a handle on other people and what makes them tick. You will find you also learn a great deal about yourself whilst you do this.

Do it constantly but be clearly aware from the start that there is no end to it. There will always be more to learn. However, every time you do learn something new you will be able to put it to immediate and very practical use. It is sometimes frustrating but also highly addictive at the same time.

What is the best way forward?

The biggest and best tactic of all

This one tactic will yield you the biggest and most useful results of all.

Become a conscientious and dedicated student of human nature. Become a people watcher.

Warning! Please don’t become an out and out stalker or a voyeur. These activities are quite rightly illegal. I’m talking about observing people as part of your everyday life and during normal interactions with them.

As you watch people and observe how the behave, think, feel, communicate, look, listen and demonstrate emotion for example, make mental notes and comparisons.

Pick any attribute you like and run the same thought experiment which we did earlier for the sense of humour classification. Begin to create your own useful categories and sub-categories as required. Use the information as it builds up to form an opinion or model of that person in your own mind.

Now what do I do with these models?

This is where the fun starts.

Suppose you meet someone at a party and they smile broadly as they enthusiastically shake your hand. You like them immediately. They are very personable and touch you on the arm a lot as they talk.  Although they share some very funny holiday stories, they mostly chatter about themselves. They hit you with lots of hotel names and flight numbers too. They also seem to know a lot of the other people here at the party.

In addition to the feeling that you like them, in just five minutes or so you have also been able to gather a great deal of potentially useful information.

If you were asked to describe this person in one sentence you might now say, “X is a likeable, funny, tactile, outgoing type who appears well-connected, likes details but doesn’t ask many questions about me.” Through observation and classification you have created a new and consistent understanding of this person.

This would go a long way to helping you adapt your communication style and behaviour to get the best out of any future encounter.

This activity is both fun and addictive. Enjoy using it every minute of every day.

Why does this knowledge matter?

“I like to treat everyone else the way I like to be treated.” Have you ever heard or used this expression? I’m sure we all have at some point in our lives. The thing is, laudable and generous as it sounds, it is wrong and can be very unhelpful when dealing with others. Given that we are agreed upon everyone being different a more effective statement would be, “I like to treat everyone else the way they most like to be treated.” A subtle but hugely important verbal and mindset distinction.

We all have a mental representation of the world as we think it is. This is our map of the world. Some people choose to hold a rigid and inflexible map whilst others attempt to add to theirs and develop new representations through learning and new experiences. Once again, we are all so different in so many varied ways.

Treating people in the way they like to be treated and communicating with them in their preferred communication style will create huge levels of engagement. It will lead to you understanding their maps of their world. This knowledge allows an ever-deeper level of connection.

Even if you don’t like other people very much, understanding what makes them who they are can greatly elevate you as a person, a communicator and as a leader.

Take the time and expend the effort to learn about and understand others as much as you possibly can. Become a people expert. Make the study of others a constant and habitual part of who you are. This will be critical as you move to the fourth EI pillar which is managing relationships with others.

What next?

I hope you have enjoyed this article. If you have, please subscribe to either the blog or my newsletter to ensure you hear about subsequent articles and other useful and informative material.

In the meantime, you might also like to check out:

Emotional Intelligence in the real world

Self-awareness and how to develop it

Self-regulation and its importance to you

Relationship: The art and practice

Self-regulation & Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence or EI & self-regulation

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the second pillar of emotional intelligence or EI. Hopefully, you’ll recall that emotional intelligence comprises four pillars: self-awareness, self-regulation, understanding others and managing relationships. You could check out my “Emotional Intelligence is vital” post for more insight.

Regulation, in the sense we will use it, means the control of a system or process such that it remains at a desired level or rate. For you, self-regulation literally means how you control yourself in your current situation. You can either ramp specific efforts up or down or you can try to maintain your effort at a specific level or rate.

Self-regulation? Who cares?

Self-regulation - a smiley face and traffic lights

You should care!

We’ve already looked at self-awareness, but self-awareness is only your starting point. Your new awareness enables you to decide if it’s beneficial, neutral or even harmful to you.

You can then decide to take some form of action. For instance, you can improve on beneficial areas. In similar fashion, neutral areas can be ignored or improved upon as desired. Likewise, any negative or harmful areas can be reduced or even eliminated entirely. The last one may take time and hard work, but the investment of effort is essential for growth.

The self-regulation workflow

If you know me well, you’ll know I love a good workflow or process.

The Emotional Intelligence self-regulation workflow. This is monitoring, awareness, decision, action and feedback.

These are the steps then. We become aware of something, we decide to act in some way then we take the action we decided upon. Sounds simple when put like that doesn’t it?

If it is so simple, why aren’t you easily and consistently completing your self-development goals and taking yourself to your absolute best? If you’re like most people, you often know what to do but you either can’t start it or you can’t sustain it.

Why the inaction?

Humans are lazy creatures. Newsflash! I’m self-aware enough to know I’m fundamentally a very lazy man. There I said it and I feel better about myself because, like it or not, it’s true. Some people are not as lazy as others for sure, but we are all lazy creatures at heart. We’ve evolved to be lazy.

Self-regulation. Figure in a hammock on a tropical beach thinking "Work? What work?"

We all have lazy thoughts and impulses. Wouldn’t you rather stay in bed for that extra five minutes? Why not leave going to the gym until tomorrow or better yet, next week? That decorating can wait until after the holidays can’t it? One last biscuit then I’m all over that diet?

We humans are even lazy in the way we think (or don’t think) sometimes. Deep thinking takes deep effort. Life is busy enough, am I right?

If you’re honest with yourself, don’t you often or always go with whatever instant solution or idea pops straight into your head? You rely on stereotypes and the automatic repetition of previous good solutions whenever you can. This approach generally gets you through your day and with minimal effort.

It is worse than you think too. Because humans like us are also prone to many biases, when we use automatic thinking, we can make many mistakes. This doesn’t always help you in your self-regulation and improvement journey.

Further reading

To go much deeper here, I can recommend you read the fascinating book, “Thinking, Fast & Slow” by Daniel Kahneman.

You’re up against your own status quo?

You are conditioned by evolution to conserve energy because energy was historically hard to come by. It still is in certain parts of the world. Sure, times and circumstances have changed for many of us and the modern world we inhabit expects us to be dynamic and energetic all the time. The problem is your mental and physical wiring is largely geared for laziness and economy wherever and whenever possible.

Self-regulation. Auto option is easy and the manual option is hard

Much of your behaviour and thought is automatic because automation uses less energy than concentration and focused thinking. Consequently, to want to carry out such work and burn the required energy, there must be a big trade-off in terms of reward versus effort. The benefits must heavily outweigh the much preferred and lazy status quo.

What gives?

Self-regulation. There's a barrier between Decision and action.

Most of the time you don’t, won’t or can’t create a compelling enough reason to act. You can often decide what you want to do but you often struggle to get started and do it. If you do start, we often struggle to keep going. The problem happens at the decision-action boundary.

What about the wonders of willpower?

Self-regulation. Stick figure holding a trophy with the words Will Power on it.

Willpower is often seen as the separator of the achiever from the non-achiever. As a result, it can be viewed as the almost magical difference between the person who can control themselves and the person who cannot. Above all, willpower is the super-power with which you can smash through the decision/action barrier, right?

Not so much in reality.

If you are brutally honest with yourself (more EI self-awareness in action), you don’t really know what willpower is do you? You cannot really point to it or identify it in any meaningful way, can you? You believe you know when you have it or not, and you are certain we know its effects, but you struggle to define it clearly.

Why is willpower not enough?

In very simplistic psychological terms, willpower is the ability to delay gratification in the short-term to meet longer-term desirable goals.

Self-regulation. Two choices - now or later. Later is ticked.

Here’s the problem. Because it takes great effort, concentration and energy to maintain willpower you can become tired. In addition, willpower relies on cool or logical thinking and the avoidance of hot or emotional reactions. Consequently, unwanted or non-useful thoughts must be overridden, which similarly takes effort.

Willpower can therefore be derailed by various internal, emotional, physical and external effects. It’s a resource which can be replenished or restored, but its capacity and sustainability between recharges is limited. Willpower can and does run out on you, often when you need it most.

So, can you rely on willpower alone for self-regulation? It’s risky at best.

You therefore need to be ever vigilant and on your guard. However, if you’re anything like me, you’ll be easily distracted by the next new shiny object to come into your field of awareness. My various failed attempts at dieting and hitting the gym certainly attest to this. My willpower often proves weak and simply not up to the task when I need it the most. How’s yours?

A better self-regulation strategy

Here’s another wonderful workflow because workflows work:

Self-regulation. Another workflow - this one is identify target, identify barriers, mitigate barriers and hit target

The more workflows there are the happier I am. This is a simple step process which will help you preserve your precious willpower for other duties.

First work out your self-regulation target & barriers

Because of your constant monitoring, you’ve become aware of an issue. Consequently, you’ve decided to act on it, which is great. You’ve tried to go from “identify target” straight to “hit the target.” This is how most people attempt it, and therefore most people fail to hit their targets consistently.

Self-regulation. This workflow only shows identify target going to hit target with a sad face due to failure

However, before you dive in and act, consider these additional strategy steps:

Self-regulation. ID barriers and Mitigate barriers back in the workflow

Identify some potential barriers and excuse generators. Now you can look to reduce and/or mitigate them. You might also even eliminate them entirely at this stage.

How do you best achieve this wonderful strategy? You create deliberate habits to take the stress off your poor long-suffering and generally inadequate willpower.

Now deliberately automate your self-regulation plan

You must apply your willpower on a task by task basis, because too many tasks take too much willpower. Willpower which tends to run out anyway. It’s a finite resource. Once one thing flops over and you eat the metaphorical cookie. Meanwhile, the rest of the card house comes tumbling down after it and you are doomed to start again.

To compound our misery and inadequacy we humans are also cognitively miserly. You like low-energy automatic thinking. Applying willpower takes focus, concentration and energy. You won’t generally like to concentrate and focus for long if you don’t have absolutely to.

Your willpower needs help in the form of deliberately created effective habits.

Create deliberate habits

Self-regulation. The complete workflow with a happy face at end

So, to reduce the amount of willpower you need to get the job done, I recommend creating as many deliberate and ingrained habits as you can. Habits can certainly help you regulate your thoughts, emotions and behaviours.

Deliberate habits are your barrier mitigations. Deliberate habits are the ultimate automatic process; both good and bad. Keep the willpower because you’ll always need it. Break things into small chunks and mitigate them one chunk at a time.

Further reading

This is only a brief article so, for deeper information and some great advice on effective habits, I recommend you read the books, “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg and “Nudge” by Richard Thaler & Cass Sunstein.

Make self-regulation easier to do and harder not to do

The real trick is in making self-regulation both easy to do and extremely hard not to do. What I mean by this is all about manipulating your environment to produce or install in yourself the actions, thoughts, emotions and behaviours which you do want.

It might be easier to use an example:

Self-regulation. Stick figures on a treadmill and lifting weights

The gym and I

I’m in an ongoing battle with my lazy self over my physical fitness. I go regularly, but I am always keen to talk myself out of it. I know that starting very early in the morning works best for me, but I am very good at making excuses not to go. There are always more enjoyable things to do.

The most important trick for me is to first begin to manipulate my environment to make it harder for me to create excuses. I set two or three alarm clocks at five-minute alarm gaps. The alarms are tuned with my most hated radio station. I place them physically out of reach so I must get up to turn them off.

I also set out my gym bag and all my bits and bobs ready to go by the front door. Plus, my gym clothes are laid out right next to the bed. Moreover, I’ll even check the driveway route for my car is clear. No easy excuses.

There are so many options

If I find I am still struggle in the future there are options. For instance, I could build in additional accountability measures . Perhaps buddy up with someone for example. I could introduce a personal fine system (given to charity) or some other unpleasant penalty for not achieving my targets . For instance, something like washing my car would do the trick for me. The potential options are many and varied.

I’m outsourcing my self-regulation. I’m making it easier to do the right thing.

Now let willpower work its real self-regulation magic for you

Self-regulation. Stick man superhero with a cape with Will Power written on chest

You will take the pressure from willpower because you will have created effective automatic habits and manipulated your environment. Because of this, the good news is you will now have more of that great resource available to you.

Use it whenever you need an extra motivational push or shove.

That early morning “kick in the arse” to get those tired legs out of bed and into the training gear. The extra push to knuckle down and hit that deadline. The restraint to hold your temper when every fibre in your being is screaming to yell at the jerk in front of you.

Willpower can now show you its real super-power.

Some last thoughts on self-regulation and EI

In conclusion, knowing something is only half the battle. Taking some effective action based upon the knowledge is the next key step.

No action = no results.

Self-regulation. No action = no results

In short, if you can’t, don’t or won’t dig deep and take full responsibility for your own actions, you will always have problems. Because, if you don’t control what you do or need to do based on your own self-awareness and feedback, someone or something else will take control for you.

Trust me, you won’t enjoy having no control.

Understand what you need to do. Decide to do it. Set up suitable conditions to enable you to create a habit for doing it and penalties when you don’t. With patience and practice you’ll only need to use your willpower where it can do the its best work.

Is any of this easy? Absolutely not. Is it even possible? Yes, it is! If I can do it, then anyone can do it. Many other people prove this every day. Prove to yourself you can do it and go ahead and do whatever it is you need to do.

As a result, people will notice the changes in your ability to get the important things done. Your emotional intelligence and your self-regulation level will get higher and higher as a result.

Self-regulation. No excuses

The next post in this series will look at the third EI pillar which is understanding others.

I hope you have enjoyed this article. If you have, please subscribe to either the blog or my newsletter to ensure you hear about subsequent articles and other useful and informative material.

In the meantime, you might also like to check out:

Emotional Intelligence is vital

Self-awareness and Emotional Intelligence

Understanding others and how to do it

Relationship: The art and practice

Self-awareness & Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence or EI and self-regulation is of great imprtance to you

What is self-awareness?

Self-awareness, or awareness of self if you prefer, is the first pillar of emotional intelligence. Self-awareness really is the key to everything in Emotional Intelligence terms. The other three pillars are self-regulation, understanding others and managing relationships.

You’ve got to honestly get to know yourself first then be willing to work with that knowledge.

At its most fundamental level, self-awareness means being aware of yourself. Which means you become aware of the existence of an entity or presence which is identifiable, by you, as you. The idea that you are a distinct and unique being when compared to all the other beings around you. I’m going nowhere near this philosophical rabbit-hole here. However, feel free to explore it yourself if you like that sort of thing.

A more practical definition is the conscious knowledge of your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. For instance, developing more self-awareness requires intentional monitoring. In other words, this means monitoring of one’s current self and the practical application of work and adaptation to produce a desired and different future self. This is generally known as self-development.

Why is self-awareness so important to your self-development?

You’ve got to make a start start from somewhere known. In other words, if you don’t know where you are starting from how can you plot an effective course from there to anywhere else?

A deep and honest appraisal of your strengths and weaknesses takes real courage. However, the knowledge you’ll gain from your efforts at self-awareness will pay huge dividends. I’m serious, because it can literally transform your life.

Assuming you have decided to develop yourself, it’s time to get your mental hands dirty. Get right down deep early and begin to look at your inner self in a radical new way. This is scary stuff by the way. Seriously, it’s very scary, especially if you haven’t done it before.

Why is self-awareness so scary?

Self-awareness shines a light on things we may prefer to keep in the dark. Because of this, we tend to hide ourselves from ourselves using sophisticated internal narratives which even we come to regard as absolute truth. These are nothing more than rationalisations. They are not truths but rather personal mental constructs. We have created the constructs to help make sense of our own confusing inner worlds. We then combine them with our experience of the external world to create a complete narrative. The technical term is confabulation; not lies as such but modified versions of reality we come to believe as truths. We now use these constructs to form beliefs and hold values about both our inner world and the outer world. These are not always accurate or helpful.

Why do we tell ourselves these inaccurate stories?

When we formed these narratives they would have been, or at least believed them to have been, highly beneficial and useful. As our lives move on, they may well stay useful but often become simply neutral; being neither useful or non-useful. Problems can arise when these narratives become non-useful to us. They can even become detrimental and harmful to us. We either decide or are forced to choose to make changes. Above all, we must confront, understand, let go and replace beliefs and ideas. This is what self-awareness means in terms of emotional intelligence. When we decide to do this ourselves, with or without help, this is called self-development and, believe me, it is scary.

Ways to get under the hood

Assuming you have chosen to become more self-aware to make changes you must now get started. You can follow several pathways to make progress. By the way, I don’t believe many people ever gets to total self-awareness because it is so hard to achieve. Total self-awareness is the realm of the buddhas and other enlightened beings. I’ve never gotten close. I therefore always treat the process of my own self-awareness as a work in progress. In other words, I’m simply enjoying the journey of discovery.

The key to it all is feedback. Internal feedback is generally known as self-reflection. External feedback is generally known as … well, external feedback. I can’t think of a better term for it.

They are both useful to you but become most useful when combined.

Seeking high-quality feedback is key

Completely solo self-discovery might be possible, but I struggle to picture someone making genuine and sustainable progress in isolation. We all need feedback to understand progress. Increasing self-awareness by seeking feedback Doing this is easier working either directly with other people or using resources created by others who possess the knowledge and skills we seek.

I will briefly discuss four areas here which will help you seek feedback and self-reflect:

  • The Johari Window
  • Psychometric tools and instruments
  • Coaching and/or mentoring
  • Mindfulness

The Johari Window

One interesting model for getting you started on your self-awareness journey is to look at something called the Johari Window. The model was devised by American psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham back in 1955. The name chosen simply derives from a combination of their names. The model essentially states we have four symbolic or metaphorical areas within us. These impact on our interactions with the wider world. I’ll leave you to look on-line for more detailed information about the Johari Window model. It is fascinating and very well-documented, so I will not waste your time by reproducing unnecessary material here.

  1. An “open” area of which we are aware, but of which others are also aware.
  2. A “hidden” area of which we are aware, but of which others are not aware.
  3. An “unknown” area of which we are unaware, but of which others are also unaware.
  4. A “blind” area of which we are unaware, but of which others are aware

Actively exploring this model as a formal exercise is an interesting and informative activity. It’s good for both individuals and groups. Why not try it out? In addition, consider working with a coach or trusted friend and see what you can discover.

Psychometric tools and instruments

You could also examine some of, or all if your budget will stretch that far, the many psychometric personality and psychological profiling tools out there. Popular ones include MBTI, DiSC, Insights, MTQ48, EQi2.0 and many more. I won’t bore you with the details, but a quick online search will reveal a substantial and ever-growing list.

You may well have encountered such tools. They have their uses and can prove very incisive in some cases. There are many distinct types. Quite a number are aimed at highly specific aspects of personality or behaviour. Many are genuinely fantastic. I’m a fan and qualified user of several high-quality psychometric instruments. When used well and appropriately they are great for improving self-awareness. Not all the options out there are good of course, so caveat emptor or buyer beware. Do your research and ask your own network for feedback and advice. The results provided should be interpreted carefully and in context. I recommend seeking out a trained and or licenced practitioner to get the best value from your experience.

Once again, consider working with a coach or trusted friend and see what you can discover.

Coaching and/or mentoring

I have mentioned coaching several times now and I must admit to some bias here because I am a professional coach and I work with many people on just this kind of personal journey. People sometimes worry about the cost of employing a skilled professional coach, but the transformational returns often far outweigh any financial investment. The experience is often life changing and I would highly recommend it.

You can also be coached or mentored by a trusted friend or colleague. Someone who has been on a similar journey. You could buddy up with someone and take the discovery journey together. I believe the journey toward self-awareness itself is the most important thing so begin it as soon as you can and do it in the way which suits you best.

Start with the why and the how will look after itself.


Mindfulness is a simple meditation-based practice. I’m a huge fan. It yields a variety of mental, physical and emotional benefits; Many of these are now scientifically shown as highly effective. Mindfulness meditations typically consists of focusing full attention on something. For instance, simply observing your breathing, thoughts and experiences as they appear. Thoughts are transient, and thoughts are not the person. Energy flows where the attention goes so, by removing attention from unwanted thoughts they become of no importance. This means you have more control than you may have thought. Mindfulness is all about awareness, observing without criticism and learning to be compassionate with yourself.

With practice, mindfulness allows you to differentiate between wholesome and unwholesome thought patterns. The mindfulness practitioner then has many options available for either letting thoughts go entirely or modifying them into more wholesome forms.

Mindfulness takes time

Over time, mindfulness practice can bring about long-term changes in self-awareness, mood, happiness levels and overall mental and physical wellbeing. Studies have shown mindfulness can prevent the onset of depression and positively affects the brain patterns underlying day-to-day conditions such as anxiety, stress, depression and reactive emotions so that if they do arise, they dissipate more easily. Memory, creativity, reaction times and even productivity can all improve. Mindfulness practice creates wholesome thought processes. This improving or ameliorates any number of emotional attitudes, mental states and mind/body relationships.

Isn’t mindfulness just mystical nonsense?

Neuro-scientists have highlighted and proved the brain’s ability to alter its structure and internal connectivity in adaptive response to repeated conditioning: known as neural plasticity. We are familiar with the idea that effectively and repeatedly practising any activity, such as a musical instrument, leads to more and more skill with that instrument. In addition, running repeated thought processes over time will also alter the neural pathways to make that mode of thought easier and stronger; less commonly realised. Mindfulness takes positive advantage of this phenomenon because it seeks to strengthen wholesome thought patterns for the benefit of the mindfulness practitioner and those around them.

To practice mindfulness is to use the power of our minds. This gives us a deep, focused and non-judgemental view of ourselves. We then get live observational information about our own experience as it unfolds. It’s self-awareness on steroids.

Mindfulness is a gym for the mind and as such it opens a world of possibilities. As I said, I’m a huge fan of mindfulness. Seek a good introductory course. Read a good book for beginners. Above all, get practising. You could even attend a guided retreat if that is your thing.S

Other self-development resources for self-awareness

There are numerous books, courses, guides, videos, audios, apps and more besides, all designed to help you, or at least relieve you of your money, in your efforts to self-develop. The mighty Interweb has a seemingly infinite number of resources.

Choose carefully, do some research and only work with solid proven sources. Once again, a good coach or mentor can help with this. Whatever you do make sure you do something.

Although self-development is often an internal pursuit, it is not a theoretical or spectator-based activity. It requires action so act. Do something positive and you are on your way.

Some last thoughts on developing self-awareness

You are the centre of your universe. It all starts with you.

If you can’t, don’t or won’t dig deep and fully acknowledge and accept your true, warts and all, self then the rest of your life will be inauthentic and superficial at best. For instance, even if you learn to get on well with others, your lack of knowledge or ownership of your own core being will leave you with a sense of incompleteness and imbalance. In my experience others can sense this fundamental lack in you and they will treat you differently as a result.

Self-awareness takes courage

This search for true self-awareness takes courage, commitment and massive honesty. Of course, this doesn’t mean I’m suggesting you go and sit cross-legged on top of a mountain for years on end. I am suggesting you begin to identify your true strengths and weaknesses. Look for your true values and beliefs. Seek out your true desires and fears. Work with a coach, friend or trusted advisor if you need to. Seek honest feedback and accept it with gratitude because it works. Do whatever you need to do to learn more about the true you.

Above all, remember that self-reflection and high quality feedback are the keys to your EI success.

Is developing self-awareness easy?

Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it even possible? Well, I’m still searching for my true self, so I can’t answer that one for you I’m afraid. I battle more than enough of my own demons to keep me busy on my search. I keep going because it is important to me. In truth, you may never find the absolute true you. However, if it’s important enough to you and if you try hard enough, you’ll find enough truth to start working wonders.

The next post in this series will look at self-regulation. Self-regulation is the second pillar of Emotional Intelligence pillar.

I hope you have enjoyed this article. If you have, please subscribe to either the blog or my newsletter to ensure you hear about subsequent articles and other useful and informative material.

In the meantime, you might also like to check out:

Emotional Intelligence is so important

Self-regulation and its importance to you

Understanding others and how to do it

Relationship: The art and practice

Emotional Intelligence is vital

Emotional Intelligence or EI is vital

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence or EI is a term used commonly in the business and professional world. You might also hear it called EQ or Emotional Quotient. Whatever the terms used, people are always banging on about it, aren’t they? You’ve probably heard them saying such things as, “You need more emotional intelligence” or “We need to hire for emotional intelligence.” It’s said with so much conviction you feel you must be the only one who doesn’t get it. Stress not. You’re not the only one. Far from it in fact. If they are honest, most people would admit they don’t get it. If you’re any sort of professional manager in any modern organisation, you’ll hear about it a lot. It therefore makes sense to get a good handle on it.

In relation to EI then, there are four types of people in the workplace. The ones who have high EI already often assume everyone else already understands it; they therefore feel no real need to explain it. There are the ones who don’t have it and couldn’t care less about anyone else anyway. Then there are the ones who do get EI and are keen to inform and help others and there are the ones who want to get it but don’t know where to start. This whirlwind tour article is for the last two types and especially the last type.

What is Emotional Intelligence anyway?

The definition of Emotional Intelligence we’ll use:

In a nutshell, I define having well-developed emotional intelligence as:

“Possessing a well-developed ability and willingness to closely and honestly monitor our internal emotional states and take full control of them and full responsibility for them. At the same time, we need an ability and willingness to monitor the emotional states of other people and to take full responsibility for carefully managing our relationships with those people.”

That’s it really. Were you expecting more? It is easy enough to define but takes a lot of effort to get right. So many people don’t get it right because they can’t be arsed to put the work in. It’s an ongoing commitment toward excellence.

One of the most important words in that definition is “willingness.” If you can’t be bothered with the work and effort, then please stop reading this right now and search elsewhere for the lazy route. There is no magic-bullet and no easy answer. EI is indeed a learnable skill; but the process of learning takes effort and commitment. You really do need to be motivated.

A down and dirty look at Emotional Intelligence

Again, the article is a whistle-stop tour of the four elements of EI and is designed to provide some awareness to get you started. I have produced four more articles to expand on each section.

Take emotional intelligence very seriously. Nurture it and develop it in yourself and others.

Why does Emotional Intelligence matter to you anyway?

Emotional intelligence is vital for everyone. It defines how well you know yourself and control yourself and it defines how well you get on with others. If you’re any sort of modern people manager or leader, you’ll be expected to possess an elevated level of emotional intelligence. You should ideally be constantly looking to improve it. You are also expected to identify and nurture EI in your staff and teams. The measure of your emotional intelligence level is known as your Emotional Quotient or EQ. This measure of EQ is now considered more important than the traditional measurement of intelligence or IQ.

Decision makers
Calm under pressure
Able to lead
And more

From an organisational perspective, emotionally intelligent people are seen as more influential, better team leaders, more politically astute, calmer under pressure, better decision makers, less stressed, more creative, more self-confident, more self-driven and more able to drive others. They see people with these attributes as the rising stars and the people with the most potential. You’d like some of this right? Absolutely. The answer is to become more emotionally intelligent.

The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learnt and developed by almost anyone. If you do this you will possess a remarkable set of transferable set of skills and mindsets. Elevating your EI levels will have a positive benefit throughout the whole of your life.

The effects of Emotional Intelligence in the workplace

Here’s the problem. Many of the professional people I encounter in my coaching and training work have a poor understanding of their own emotional intelligence levels. They also have a poor understanding of what is meant by Emotional Intelligence as a concept. This is a real concern as the negative effects can be highly detrimental and costly. Get it right however and the positive benefits are huge.

The organisational effects of low Emotional Intelligence

Managers and leaders with low levels of emotional intelligence tend to handle people poorly and have little understanding about other people. They tend to create high stress levels, high staff turnover rates, low productivity and low quality of output.  They can even create elevated levels in sickness and HR legal problems. At work, this costs you or your business real money. They generally, but unfortunately not always, do poorly themselves.

Managers with low Emotional Intelligence increase stress, increase staff turnover, lower productivity, lower quality, increase sickness and even cause legal issues.

The organisational effects of high Emotional Intelligence

Good managers and leaders with high levels of emotional intelligence tend to do the exact opposite. Such managers and leaders can make you or your business real money. They are generally more successful in their own right as well.

Managers with high Emotional Intelligence create harmony, increase craetivity, increase productivity, increase happiness and make more money

On a personal level a high level of emotional intelligence enables us to negotiate life with more ease and success. We understand ourselves well, we can curb our excesses and we can play to our strengths. We can build solid relationships and people both like us and want to be with us. Life is generally better with high emotional intelligence.

Life is usually more enjoyable and successful with high Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence in a nutshell

There are four main components or pillars to EI:

  • Self-awareness
  • Self-regulation
  • Understanding others
  • Managing relationships
The 4 pillars of emotional intelligence are self-awareness, self-regulation, understanding others and managing relationships

That’s it, plain and simple. These four elements cover pretty much everything you do in your life and work regarding interpersonal interactions and self-development. All well and good but what can you do in the real world now you know this? What does this mean for you?

There is a lot of complex theory, ideas and downright nonsense flying about regarding emotional intelligence. I’ll make this information as plain and straightforward as I can and keep it on a practical level.


Self-awareness is the first pillar of emotional intelligence

This is the first pillar of emotional intelligence and it is the key to it all. You are the centre of your universe. If you can’t, don’t or won’t dig deep and fully acknowledge and accept your true, warts and all, self then the rest of your life will be inauthentic at best. Even if you learn to get on well with others, your lack of knowledge or ownership of your own core being will leave you with a sense of incompleteness and imbalance. In my experience others can sense this fundamental lack in you and they will treat you differently as a result.

It can be scary diving into our self

This search for true self-awareness takes courage, commitment and massive honesty. I’m not suggesting you go and sit cross-legged on top of a mountain to meditate for years on end. I am suggesting you begin to identify your true strengths and weaknesses, your true values and beliefs and your true desires and fears. Work with a coach, friend or trusted adviser if you need to. Seek honest feedback and accept it with gratitude. Do whatever you need to do to learn more about the true you because it will allow you to move forward.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it even possible? Well, I’m still searching for my true self, so I can’t answer that one for you I’m afraid. In truth, you may never find the absolute true you but if you try hard enough you will find enough truth to work wonders with.


Self-regulation is the second pillar of emotional intelligence

The second pillar of emotional intelligence is the regulation of oneself. Once you begin to discover and uncover this true version of yourself, you will then begin to realise certain behaviours, thoughts and emotions which are somewhat less than helpful to both you and others. You may discover beneficial traits and thought processes which you might not have realised you had. In order to improve your emotional intelligence, you will now need to work on regulating or controlling any unhelpful attributes and ideally boosting your more helpful attributes.

There is always something to work on

Once again, this is easier said than done. Do you have a lack of focus or attention? How about procrastination? What about really needing to lose weight or get fitter? Are you a perfectionist? Maybe a little too passive-aggressive perhaps? Are you lonely? Perhaps you lose your temper easily? Do you need more assertiveness? What about your fear of conflict? How are you going to address these and any other issues you might have?

What really stops you doing what you know needs to be done? Is it time? Is it money? Or is really laziness? Perhaps it is all three or even none of the above. Only once you become aware of your deep true self, which we looked at in the previous section, can you work on the true core issues?

Understanding others

Understanding others and what makes them tick is the third pillar of emotional intelligence

The third emotional intelligence pillar is developing an understanding of others. When you get right down to it, other people can be confusing and strange. It can be hard enough to try and figure out what makes us tick but once other people get involved in any part of our lives and work, it can get very messy and complicated. Life would be technically easier without other people, but it would be a lonely and essentially pointless existence. We need other people and generally we like other people, so it makes sense to understand them.

The big problem is that everyone is as unique in their way as you are in yours.

There is always some good news

The good news is, although each one of us is truly unique, we can also be usefully categorised and bundled in quite general ways. These broad-brush definitions and classifications are not truly accurate, but they are incredibly useful ways to inform our own thoughts about and behaviour toward the other people we interact with. They could be said to be intentional and well-meant stereotypes. With a little study and practice you can become very adept at recognising these broad categories. At this point you can then adapt your communication and behaviour to get the best from any encounter with them.

Even if you don’t like other people very much, learning to understand what makes them who they are can greatly elevate you as a communicator and leader.

Managing relationships with others

Managing relationships is the fourth pillar of emotional intelligence

Managing relationships with others is the fourth pillar of emotional intelligence.

“No person is an island, entire of itself; every person is a piece of the continent.” John Donne said this, although I have changed the quote a little for reasons of gender correctness – the 16th and 17th century world of John Donne was markedly different too our enlightened utopia.

Relationships really do matter

The truth of his statement is unaltered. You need to build solid and effective relationships with other people in all areas of our lives and work. All of us need to develop strong personal and professional networks. We also need to be able to operate effectively as key elements in the networks of others.

When the first three pillars of emotional intelligence are firmly in place we can then begin to create and successfully manage such relationships and networks.

Our friendships, family connections and working relationships can define us. Modern life is nigh on impossible without them. Even if it were possible to live entirely alone and isolated, for myself at least, it would be a miserable and pointless life.

Begin at the beginning

The order the emotional intelligence elements are in place is the order in which to then develop them for best results. Firstly, make sure that every element is in place then try and balance them in terms of level. If you are poor at managing relationships for example and relatively happy with the other key elements, then start by developing your ability to manage relationships. Completeness and uniformity of ability is the first step.

Start with balance

Secondly, once the elements are in place and broadly level, you can begin to consider bringing the level of all four up to as high a level as you can without overdoing any one area.

After balance then raise overall levels

There will always be a tendency to lead and lag on elements in any such endeavour but don’t stick to your favourites or strong areas at the expense of others. Using the relationship element again, if you hate talking to new people or even talking to friends and colleagues, don’t let it hold you back. Do not simply become a very self-aware observer of others. Be brave and break through your barriers. Make connect with them somehow. Seek tuition, coaching or support and force (or regulate) yourself to get out there and do it anyway.

This is a basic introduction. It is a practical overview at best. There is always more to learn and absorb. Like life itself, developing emotional intelligence is a journey of discovery.

Next steps

Educate yourself

I’m going to be blunt here. Leaders are readers so educate yourself and become informed. Learn all you need to know about emotional intelligence and its implications. This applies to all your life.

Dare to be different

Life isn’t a spectator sport

Don’t wait to be spoon fed. Too many people do that so stand out from your crowd and get the knowledge. If printed books are not your thing then get audio book versions. If video is your thing then seek out the information on or YouTube. Go on a course or hire a coach. Whatever you do make sure you get the information you need.  You owe it to yourself and your staff to be the very best leader and manager you can be.


I recommend you start with the work of Daniel Goleman who popularised the rise of EI with his book Emotional Intelligence then seek out the myriad of associated online resources.

Learn, experiment and grow

Once you have the theoretical knowledge, start to experiment and grow. Begin to apply the knowledge practically in the real world. Make mistakes then reflect, learn and move on. Try new things out. Seek coaching and training and try them out again. Seek feedback. Increase your own emotional intelligence and help others do the same. The effort is worth it.

I hope you have enjoyed this article. If you have, please subscribe to either the blog or my newsletter to ensure you hear about subsequent articles and other useful and informative material.

In the meantime, you might also like to check out:

Self-awareness and Emotional Intelligence

Self-regulation and its importance to you

Understanding others and how to do it

Relationship: The art and practice

Perspective shifts take you deeper

Sometimes, taking a different viewpoint or perspective can change your life.

I watched another short but fascinating video on the BBC News channel this morning.

Titled, “How I found out I was black,” it concerns Brazilian priest Brother David who had always believed he was white until a classroom game changed his perspective and indeed his whole direction in life.

It is well worth a watch and I’ve put the video link at the end for you.

Now, I am not about to begin analysing the wonderful and complex Brazilian multi-cultural melting pot. It is an incredibly diverse and vibrant part of the world and long may it continue.

What is interesting to me is the transformational aspect created when taking an unfamiliar perspective.

Brother David’s story

In this case the perspective shift was somewhat thrust upon Bro David. He had previously thought of himself as white and the whole experience appears to have been quite something for him. There will likely have been a complex whirl of emotions going on during the transformation, which started as a game conceived by some fellow students, and it subsequently led him to become an ardent supporter and champion of black rights and educational opportunity. Good for him I say.

Understanding others

One of the 4 key pillars of emotional intelligence is: understanding others.

It is an area many people dabble in and they can form a good understanding of the opinions, beliefs, values and feelings of other people but this is often only a superficial understanding. They then base decisions, relationships, negotiations, etc… on this superficial understanding. It’s a bit like reading a non-swimmer reading a book on swimming then jumping in at the deep end and expecting to front crawl like a champion.

Have you ever felt hard done by when judged by another? “They don’t even know the real me,” you say.

The real rewards are to be found at a much deeper level. There is an old saying about, “walking a mile in someone’s shoes,” before you make any judgements or decisions about that person. We can never truly know the whole story of course, unless we somehow become that person. We, however, can get a better picture than most by examining them from a distinct perspective; their perspective in fact.

Most people, myself included, are most comfortable viewing and experiencing the world from our perspective. It is generally termed the 1st person perspective.

The view of the other person concerned is known as the 2nd person perspective.

Give perspective shifting a try

Why not experiment a bit and stretch yourself by analysing situations, interactions and events from an unfamiliar perspective? What do you think the world looks like or sounds like from the 2nd person viewpoint? How do they feel? In what ways might their personal history impact their experience of the world? How might you appear to them? How might you sound to them? What might your words and gestures mean to them? How might they see the current situation from their perspective?

You will not necessarily be correct in your interpretations. In fact, you will most likely be wrong most of the time as we humans are not very good at mind-reading. What you will get a good handle on is the fact that people and situations are always far more complex and nuanced than we first believe. This knowledge will make you far more careful about judging other people and far more diligent in seeking to understand them more clearly and deeply through dialogue and shared experience.

Try this out with as many different people as you can. People you think you know well and people who are relative strangers to you.

It will not be easy at first, but give it some time and practice and you might find your interactions, and even relationships, with people improves markedly. You may well never think about yourself and your interactions with the world in a superficial way again.

Here is the BBC video link. Enjoy.


Logan Paul Needs EI

Girl using mobile phone for texting or SM with and angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other meant to illustrate the importance of EI or emotional intelligence

EI or Emotional Intelligence is critical in the modern world. One ill-judged comment really can bring your whole world crashing down around you. It certainly did for Logan Paul.

I just read an interesting article on the BBC news channel today which highlights the importance of EI. It recounts the drama unfolding on the internet regarding the ill-conceived comments made by one Logan Paul, a quote “American You Tube star,” and the ensuing online backlash.

I confess I have not watched the video myself – life is too short and I’m too busy – so I am not making any judgements or criticisms of any kind about the actual content or the associated discussions. It is easy to throw accusations and blame around and I’m not above dropping the odd rick now and again myself.

What is fascinating to me here is the lack of EI displayed by Logan Paul when posting this video. What was he thinking? He, and apparently the people who advise him, failed to consider the potential upset the video may have caused others when he sent it to 15 million subscribers. I suspect he is not alone in his misery. I have dropped myself in the proverbial many times throughout my life via poorly judged comments and statements. We all do it from time to time. I am better able to learn from my mistakes nowadays.

What can you and I, and Logan Paul if he ever reads this, do to reduce the likelihood of making such mistakes in the future?

In its barest essence, EI comprises four parts:

  • Understanding of self
  • Regulation of self
  • Understanding of others
  • Managing relationships with others

After much research and experiential wound licking. I always recommend running a pre-flight check of any message before you deliver it.

Let’s apply a potential thought experiment to the Logan Paul scenario (hypothetical of course but it illustrates the process).

Understanding of self – Logan likely understands himself well enough. He knows what he likes and gathers like-minded people around him. This displayed self-knowledge and willingness to share with the world is likely to have contributed to him having 15 million followers in the first place. So far so good. Tick number one for the understanding of self.

Regulation of self – the wheels are wobbling a bit here. Logan needs to put out material for his channel which his audience will enjoy. He has clearly been doing a reasonable job so far. The problem for Logan this time is he has failed to separate what he feels is suitable from what his audience thinks is suitable. What he thinks is personal of course but not all of what he thinks is suitable for sharing. This box should have a tentative cross in it or at the very least a question mark. If he felt world would genuinely benefit from this message he could have tested the waters with some trusted people outside of his crew to get a go or no-go decision.

Understanding of others – this is where the rot should have stopped and would have done if he had run such a pre-flight check. Logan must have felt he had a solid handle on how his followers think. This was clearly not the case. He stomped all over untested ground and fell into the quicksand of outrage. There are certain broadcasters who specialise in dark or risky material. People know this and either love them or loathe them. It appears here, however, that Logan sprung this ego-driven nugget of self-satisfying material on an unsuspecting audience. They likely feel let down and misunderstood as much as simply outraged by the content. Test your material gently and get to know your audience limits before dropping bombshells. There should be a cross in this box and a no broadcast decision to follow.

Managing relationships with others – now an ongoing saga. Due to his lack of audience understanding, poor old Logan has mishandled his relationship with them. I believe he has apologised but for Logan getting through this will be a big test of his character and mental toughness. This avoidable phase is now a work in progress and it will be interesting to see what happens over the next few weeks. Perhaps I’ll put out a part two.

Why not consider running your own EI pre-flight check for all your messages? With practice and diligence, it can become a positive habit and, when it becomes a habit, you’ll find it happens almost instantly for you.

Don’t do a Logan Paul. Your pre-flight EI check could save you a world of hurt.

Here is the BBC video link if you’d care to watch:



Customer Experience Poor At M&S

Poor customer experience at M&S


This article is all about customer experience. My customer experience to be exact. My poor customer experience at Marks & Spenser to be even more exact.

Marks and Spenser have dropped the ball in spectacular fashion. Because of a poor customer experience, they have successfully converted two loyal customers into two non-customers. All due to a lack of corporate emotional intelligence and poor local leadership.

There is a clear point I wish to make which relates strongly to mindset and emotional intelligence but there needs to be a little context first.

Picture this

This very morning, my good lady wife and I had the dubious pleasure of visiting a large local M&S store. Doing this only 3 days before Xmas might well be considered madness. We were expecting a reasonably pleasant experience however because, as my wife had pre-ordered and paid a deposit for all the required items back in early-October, it should have been a simple matter to collect, pay and return home. We had booked the earliest slot as well but, even then, a small amount of queuing was to be expected as the service appears to be much in demand.

Did all this happen as planned? Of course not. We were finally directed to the rear of the store and into a confusing queue snake system. We had our identity checked against the order which is a good thing then placed in another queue to collect our groceries. This is where it all ground to a halt.

When we finally got to the grocery area, rather than find a complete box with our name, unique order number and groceries waiting for us, it turned out to be six or seven harassed staff valiantly trying their best to build our order from a pile of assorted groceries stacked in a chilled box behind them. The items did have some numerical ID codes but were not even stacked in numerical order. The staff had to disappear to the main stores to find missing items.

The customer experience system collapses

It was a chaotic and broken system by 1000 hrs and the queue behind us had spilled out of the queue snake and onto the main shop floor. Riots may yet ensue. The staff were left to face the shoppers because managers were conspicuous by their absence and the one who was there refused to make eye contact with anyone. Whoever designed this system needs a reality check.

Contrast this with Tesco. We were anticipating a home delivery at 1100 hrs this morning. Given the build up of traffic we expected to see it arrive much later than the midday upper limit. Not a problem on a day like this. Imagine how pleased we were when, as we pulled into the drive following out M&S debacle, the Tesco delivery pulled up on the drive at 1030 hrs and politely asked if we minded him arriving early.

The key point I want to make here is one of corporate and staff mindset.

Whilst we waited at M&S I was discussing the process and effects on the staff and customers with the friendly and helpful assistant. I asked her why they could not plan and implement a simple and effective customer experience system like the one Tesco and many others now provide.

This was the answer which shocked me, and it highlights why Tesco are winning and M&S are not:

“We can’t do a system like that – it wouldn’t work here – we’re a different kind of store.”

This is a completely limiting belief on the part of the assistant. Furthermore, this belief is almost certainly echoed, supported and probably driven by the many layers of management above her.

Can they fix it their customer experience?

Anyone and any organisation can do almost anything they want if they commit to it. M&S cannot change the weather, but they can certainly change and redesign a faulty chaotic system then implement it correctly. If this is indeed a systemic mindset throughout M&S, then they have a serious and chronic problem.

What they really mean here with the statement “we can’t do it” is they “don’t want to do it.” A corporate “can’t/won’t do” mindset in this instance leading to a chaotic and head in the sand operation. This demonstrated little regard for their customer experience or indeed that of their front-line staff. M&S profits are down? Hmmmmm?

Tesco, on the other hand, have a corporate “can do” attitude. One which appears wholly focused on improving customer experience. This attitude turn generates more profits as well. Tesco profits are up? Hmmmmm?

M&S could learn about good customer experience from Tesco

Tesco realise a good customer experience also results in word of mouth referrals and yet more advertising free growth. I tell everyone how good the delivery service is. This falls into the emotional intelligence quadrants of understanding others and managing relationships with others.

In this instance, M&S have failed to see that customer experience matters. We will chalk it up to experience and, no matter how tasty the food may be at M&S, we will not return next Xmas and we will not recommend anyone we know does it either. In my humble opinion, M&S management urgently need some emotional intelligence awareness training and some process design skills.

Emotional intelligence and customer experience go hand in hand. Organisations can and should embrace this and so should we as individuals.

Rant over.

I hope you enjoyed this article and found it interesting. If you did then please like it and share it. Every little bit helps in internet land.

Here is another Emotional Intelligence focused retail experience post (The Apple Store this time) which you might enjoy: Customer Reality Is Bad At Apple

Who’s Watching You?

Dash camera being fitted to a car windscreen

If you knew people were watching you, would you do things differently?

How the feeling of other people watching me caused an unexpected improvement in my driving style after I’d fitted a windscreen camera to my car.

Here is the backstory

I recently installed a windscreen mounted camera in my car. You know, just in case there’s an incident I have some video backup.

Here’s my big caveat. I’m a big believer in anti-censorship. Despite recently publicised requests, by various public organisations, I’m not about to take any footage and submit it to authorities to then have them penalise what I consider to be the bad driving of others. It’s my subjective opinion only and it’s the thin end of a very fat wedge. I might deplore stupid behaviour by others but I must acknowledge their right to do it; behaving stupidly is their choice after all. Actual accident evidence is all I am interested in.

I tell a small lie here. Being only human, I might well keep and distribute video of meteor showers, unicorns, space ships, rainbows, ghosts, etc…

So what?

So, all that said, the first time I went out in the car with the camera fitted I noticed something very strange.

I noticed my own driving had improved significantly. Now I’m obviously a world-class driver and significantly above average (as we all are I’m sure) so I don’t mean the actual driving technicalities improved but I noticed I was being much more polite and courteous than normal. As I’m being totally honest here, I was also following road signage to the letter and being extra careful with my speed too.

A curious occurrence indeed and one which demanded some reflection and deeper analysis.

My “people watching me” explanation

I examined quite a few scenarios and finally realised the answer.

Subconsciously, I’d taken on board the fact that if I had a camera watching other people drive, it stood to reason that other people might have cameras watching my driving.

In effect, I was asking myself how my driving would look to others. Would I be embarrassed if I watched the footage of my driving played back to me? Would I be happy if the world were to see the footage?

These are actually very powerful questions. If all drivers were more aware of the camera concept would driving behaviour improve? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I certainly can’t hurt in my opinion.

Let’s take this “people watching me” idea a step further

Interestingly, one can take this “What if people were watching me right now?” question and concept further and apply it to other behaviours.

In a conflict situation for example, would you be pleased or appalled if your behaviour and language were to be made available to all? Is your cool lost far too easily? Are you a bully? Do you fold too easily? Would the fact that you thought people were watching your actions help you retain your cool adult demeanour and force you to adopt more effective influencing styles? I think it might.

What can you do differently?

The next time you’re standing in a long supermarket queue, a traffic jam or some other sub-optimal environment, consider how you would look on playback. Would you like a big screen telly showing your behaviour? If the whole community was watching you would you be comfortable with your behaviour? Try to be more mindful and adopt a patient, more relaxed mindset. The queue won’t move any faster and the situation won’t change any faster but you’ll be in a much better state when it does finally improve. Give it a go.

My driving has remained greatly improved so the camera will stay put for now – for accidents and miracles only of course.