Who needs Emotional Intelligence?
What is Emotional Intelligence or EI? Why does it matter so much? Why does it make good sense to get a handle on it?
Some people get it, and they thrive. Some get it and for one reason or another don’t use it. Others don’t get it at all and, if they choose not to make the changes required, probably never will. I spent many years of my life clueless about EI and it showed. Life was a total mystery because I didn’t get people and they didn’t get me. If anything worked well it was more through sheer luck than skill. Fortunately, I was introduced to the concept of EI and my life changed for the better.
Knowing about something isn’t enough. I had to understand it, embrace it, and apply it. It’s a work in progress and I’m no all-knowing mastermind. Just someone doing the best he can in a complex world.
Which type are you?
In relation to EI, there are four types of people involved. The ones who have high EI already often assume everyone else already understands it. These people feel no real need to examine it or explain it, they simply use it. There are the ones who don’t have it and couldn’t care less about anyone else anyway. Then there are the ones who do get EI and are keen to inform and help others and there are the ones who want to get it but don’t know where to start. This whirlwind tour article is for the last two types and especially the last type.
The definition of Emotional Intelligence we’ll use:
In a nutshell, I will define having well-developed emotional intelligence as:
“Possessing a well-developed ability and willingness to closely and honestly monitor your internal emotional states, take full control of them and assume full responsibility for them. At the same time, you need an ability and willingness to monitor the emotional states of other people and to take full responsibility for carefully managing your relationships with those people.”
That’s it really. Were you expecting more? It’s easy enough to define but takes a lot of effort to get right. So many people don’t get it right because they can’t be bothered to put the work in. It’s got to be an ongoing commitment toward personal excellence.
One of the most important words in that definition is “willingness.” If you can’t be bothered with the work and effort, then please stop reading this right now and search elsewhere for the lazy route. There is no magic-bullet and no easy answer. EI is indeed a learnable skill; but the process of learning takes effort and commitment. You really do need to be motivated.
A down and dirty look at Emotional Intelligence
Again, the article is a whistle-stop tour of the four elements of EI and is designed to provide some awareness to get you started. I have produced four more articles to expand on each section.
Take emotional intelligence very seriously. Nurture it and develop it in yourself and others.
By the way, the four elements I talk about in this, and the four related posts, are based upon the EI elements offered by Daniel Goleman in his very popular and very excellent book “Emotional Intelligence.” Click here if you’d like to check it out on Amazon. Other models are out there such as the Bar-on model developed by Reuven Bar-on. I will likely look at elements from the Bar-on model in future posts.
Why does Emotional Intelligence matter to you anyway?
Emotional intelligence is vital for everyone. It defines how well you know yourself and control yourself and it defines how well you understand and get on with others. If you are a professional person in a modern workplace, for example, you will be expected to possess an elevated level of emotional intelligence. You should ideally be constantly looking to improve it. If you are a professional person will also be expected to identify and nurture EI in your staff and teams. If you are a parent it would be beneficial to help your children develop more EI. The measure of your emotional intelligence level is known as your Emotional Quotient or EQ. This measure of EQ is now often considered as being more important than the traditional measurement of intelligence or IQ.
Emotional intelligence at work
If you do work in an organisation, be aware that emotionally intelligent people are perceived as more influential, better team leaders, more politically astute, calmer under pressure, better decision makers, less stressed, more creative, more self-confident, more self-driven and more able to drive others. Organisations see people with these attributes as the rising stars and the people with the most potential. You’d like some of this right? Absolutely. The simple answer is to become more emotionally intelligent.
Society generally looks favourably upon people with high emotional intelligence.
The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learnt and developed by almost anyone. If you do this, you will possess a remarkable set of transferable set of skills and mindsets. Elevating your EI levels will have a positive benefit throughout the whole of your life.
Let’s look at Emotional Intelligence in the workplace
This will illustrate the pros and cons of EI using a workplace management perspective.
Here’s the problem. Many of the professional people I encounter in my coaching and training work have a poor understanding of their own emotional intelligence levels. They also have a poor understanding of what is meant by Emotional Intelligence as a concept. This is a real concern as the negative effects can be highly detrimental and costly. Get it right however and the positive benefits are huge.
The organisational effects of low Emotional Intelligence
Managers and leaders with low levels of emotional intelligence tend to handle people poorly and have little understanding about other people. They tend to create high stress levels, high staff turnover rates, low productivity and low quality of output. They can even create elevated levels in sickness and HR legal problems. At work, this costs you or your business real money. They generally, but unfortunately not always, do poorly themselves.
The organisational effects of high Emotional Intelligence
Good managers and leaders with high levels of emotional intelligence tend to do the exact opposite. Such managers and leaders can make you or your business real money. They are generally more successful as well.
On a personal and social level a high level of emotional intelligence enables us to negotiate life with more ease and success. We understand ourselves well, we can curb our excesses and we can play to our strengths. We can build solid relationships and people both like us and want to be with us. Life is generally better with high emotional intelligence.
There is one key thing to know before we start
You need to fully own your emotional intelligence development.
If you are going to commit and take action then go deep or go home.
All of the four EI elements need to be wrapped up in motivation. Your motivation. Your motivation and willingness to pay attention to your emotional intelligence and that of others. You must want to be fully present in your own life.
Hopefully you are still with me so let us “Keep calm and carry on”.
Emotional Intelligence in a nutshell
There are four main components or pillars to EI:
- Self-awareness
- Self-regulation
- Understanding others
- Managing relationships
That’s it, plain and simple. These four elements cover pretty much everything you do in your life and work regarding interpersonal interactions and self-development. All well and good but what can you do in the real world now you know this? What does this mean for you?
There is a lot of complex theory, ideas and downright nonsense flying about regarding emotional intelligence so I’ll make this information as plain and straightforward as I can and keep it on a practical level.
Self-awareness
This is the first pillar of emotional intelligence, and it is the key to it all. You are the centre of your universe. If you can’t, don’t or won’t dig deep and fully acknowledge and accept your true, warts and all, self then the rest of your life will be inauthentic at best.
It is called emotional intelligence for good reason by the way. You would do well to be constantly monitoring your emotional state to ensure you are at your best and interacting effectively with others.
Even if you learn to get on well with others, your lack of knowledge or ownership of your own core being and your emotions will leave you with a sense of incompleteness and imbalance. In my experience others can sense this fundamental lack in you and they will treat you differently as a result.
It can be scary diving into our self
This search for true self-awareness takes courage, commitment, and massive honesty because it is not easy. I’m not suggesting you go and sit cross-legged on top of a mountain to meditate for years on end. I am suggesting you begin to identify your true strengths and weaknesses, your true values and beliefs and your true desires and fears. Work with a coach, friend, or trusted adviser if you need to. Seek honest feedback and accept it with gratitude. Do whatever you need to do to learn more about the true you because it will allow you to move forward.
Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it even possible? Well, I’m still searching for my true self, so I can’t answer that one for you I’m afraid. In truth, you may never find the absolute true you. However, if you try hard enough, you will find enough truth to work some wonders with.
Self-regulation
The second pillar of emotional intelligence is the regulation of oneself. Once you begin to discover and uncover this true version of yourself, you will then begin to realise certain behaviours, thoughts and emotions which are somewhat less than helpful to both you and others. You may discover beneficial traits and thought processes which you might not have realised you had. In order to improve your emotional intelligence, you will now need to work on regulating or controlling any unhelpful emotions and behaviours and ideally boosting your more helpful emotions and behaviours.
There is always something to work on
Once again, this is easier said than done. Do you have a lack of focus or attention? How about procrastination? What about really needing to lose weight or get fitter? Are you a perfectionist? Maybe a little too passive-aggressive perhaps? Are you lonely? Perhaps you lose your temper easily? Do you need more assertiveness? What about your fear of conflict? How are you going to address these and any other issues you might have?
What really stops you doing what you know needs to be done? Is it time? Is it money? Or is really laziness? Perhaps it is all three or even none of the above. Only once you become aware of your deep true self, which we looked at in the previous section, can you work on the true core issues.
Do you have intrinsic motivation and resilience?
Your motivation to take ownership and make changes when necessary is vital here. If you are not internally motivated you may not have enough “fuel” for the task. Your resilience levels will also be a big factor. There are a lot of moving parts to your overall emotional intelligence.
Understanding others
The third emotional intelligence pillar is developing an understanding of others. When you get right down to it, other people can be confusing and strange. It can be hard enough to try and figure out what makes us tick but, once other people get involved in any part of our lives and work, it can get very messy and complicated. Life would be technically easier without other people, but it would be a lonely and essentially pointless existence. We need other people and generally we like other people, so it makes sense to understand them better.
The big problem is that everyone else is as unique in their way as you are in yours.
There is always some good news
The good news is, although each one of us is truly unique, we can also be usefully categorised and bundled in quite general ways. These broad-brush definitions and classifications are not truly accurate, but they are incredibly useful ways to inform our own thoughts about and behaviour toward the other people we interact with. They could be said to be intentional and well-meant stereotypes, and, with a little study and practice, you can become very adept at recognising these broad categories. At this point you can then adapt your communication and behaviour to get the best from any encounter with them.
Empathy is a key skill in this area. Empathy is the ability and willingness to metaphorically put yourself in someone else’s “shoes” and intuit their emotional and mental experience of the world and how they might interpret and react to specific situations and events.
Even if you don’t like other people very much, empathetically learning to understand what makes them who they are can greatly elevate you as a communicator and leader.
Managing relationships with others
Managing relationships with others is the fourth pillar of emotional intelligence.
“No person is an island, entire of itself; every person is a piece of the continent.” John Donne said this, although I have changed the quote a little for reasons of gender correctness – the 16th and 17th century world of John Donne was markedly different too our enlightened utopia.
Relationships really do matter
The truth of his statement is unaltered. You need to build solid and effective relationships with other people in all areas of your life and work because all of us need to develop strong personal and professional networks. We also need to be able to operate effectively as key elements in the networks of others.
When the first three pillars of emotional intelligence are firmly in place we can then begin to create and successfully manage such relationships and networks.
Networks rock
Our friendships, family connections and working relationships can define us. Modern life is nigh on impossible without them. Even if it were possible to live entirely alone and isolated, for myself at least, it would be a miserable and pointless life.
Social skills also feature prominently here. You have to go along to get along. Learn to trust and build trust. Develop your strengths in areas such as communication skills and conflict management and mitigate weaknesses wherever possible.
Always begin your emotional intelligence journey at the beginning
Achieving overall balance is the first step
Balancing the levels of your emotional intelligence elements by targeting the order in which to develop them for best results. Firstly, make sure that every element is in place then try and balance them in terms of initial level. If you are poor at managing relationships for example and relatively happy with the other key elements, then start by developing your ability to manage relationships. Completeness and uniformity of ability is the first step.
Raise the levels of all elements in a balanced manner
Secondly, once the four elements are in place and broadly level, you can begin to consider bringing the level of all four up to as high a level as you can without overdoing any one area. Try to maintain balance at all times.
There will always be a tendency to lead and lag on elements in any such endeavour but don’t stick to your favourite elements or strong areas within elements at the expense of others. Using the relationship element again, if you hate talking to new people or even talking to friends and colleagues, don’t let it hold you back. Do not simply become a very self-aware observer of others. Be brave and break through your barriers. Make connections with them somehow. Seek tuition, coaching or support and force (or regulate) yourself to get out there and do it anyway.
This is a basic introduction. It is a practical overview at best because there is always more to learn and absorb. Like life itself, developing emotional intelligence is a journey of discovery.
Next steps
I’m going to be blunt here. Leaders are readers so educate yourself and become informed. Learn all you need to know about emotional intelligence and its implications. This applies to all your life.
Life isn’t a spectator sport
Don’t wait to be spoon fed. Too many people do that so stand out from your crowd and get the knowledge. If printed books are not your thing then get audio book versions. If video is your thing then seek out the information on www.TED.com or YouTube. Go on a course or hire a coach. Whatever you do, make sure you get the information you need because you owe it to yourself and your staff to be the very best leader and manager you can be. You owe it to your family and friends to be the very best person you can be.
Resources
I recommend you start with the book “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman.
Once you have some solid theoretical knowledge, start to experiment and grow. Begin to apply the knowledge practically in the real world. Make mistakes then reflect, learn and move on. Try out new things. Seek coaching and training and try them out again. Seek feedback. Increase your own emotional intelligence and help others do the same. The effort is worth it.
That is all for this one
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